The Scene: It is bath time, but your child refuses to get undressed. You are trying to be patient, but the truth is your frustration is growing by the moment. Not only do you need your child in bed so that you can have some time alone, but you also have to finish a project immediately. For the 5th time you say - with a strained, yet still calm voice: "Honey, this is the last time I am going to say it. It is bath time. Let me get you undressed." And for the 5th time, your child says "NO!' You feel your anger well up to a level that makes you feel a bit out of control. In your anger, you walk over to your child and forcibly start taking of his/her shirt. Your child starts to cry, scream and flail as you attempt to get his/her clothes off. By the end of the power struggle, both you and your child feel defeated and upset.
Sound familiar?
Well, if it does join the club! Many moms get into unsettling and guilt-provoking power struggles with their child. And yet it does not have to be so tough! Indeed, there are simple strategies that you can use in order to stop losing your cool!
1. When you want your child to listen to a specific request, remember to give him/her a choice!
For Example, ask your child:
o Do you want to wear the red shirt or the green shirt?
o Do you want to take a bath now or in 5 minutes (and then set a timer)?
o Do you want to read 1 book or 2 books before you go to sleep?
Often, kids will take a few seconds to think about their choice and then do what you want them to do. Being able to make a choice will give your child a satisfying sense of control over his/her body and behavior. It will also help him/her to feel and to become more autonomous.
2. If your child is resistant even after s/he is given a choice (e.g., s/he chooses to take a bath in 5 minutes, but then refuses to get in), give a choice that aligns your goal with your child's:
For example:
Are you going to get into the bath now and read 2 books with mommy before bed, or are you going to refuse to go into the bath and read no books with mommy?
Usually, children will pick the the option that is more fun and cozy. But if your child does otherwise, follow through with what you said you would do. The next time a similar situation occurs, your child will be more likely to choose what brings him/her more joy.
3. Remember that sometimes it is wise to let things slide!
Before you enter a power struggle with your child, think about whether whatever you are trying to get your child to do is worth the battle.
For example:
o When my client Pam's daughter did not want to put on her PJs, Pam let her sleep in her clothes.
o When my client Jane's 2 year old son refused to take a bath, she said, "Okay, no bath today."
o When 3 year old Eliza would not get into her stroller, her mom decided to be late for Eliza's play date and stood still until Eliza was ready to go.
o When Jen's 2 year old daughter refused to eat anything but bagels and cream cheese, Jen served bagels and cream cheese 3 times a day (other food was always available).
Giving your child a choice and remembering to let non-essentials slide creates a win/win outcome for both you and your child: Your child gains by feeling proud of his/her autonomy and you benefit by acting in ways that feel right!
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